The Stretchorcist

Something’s wrong with Shikha MacNeil, the girl from down the lane. It seemed innocent at first when she began talking to an imaginary friend who she claimed was a delivery man, but things quickly turned sinister. Seemingly out of nowhere, the furniture shakes and moves on its own, strips of plastic film creep in from the corners of the walls, and previously loose articles are suddenly bundled and palletized. Fearing the worst, her mother calls the local packaging supply company to perform a stretchorcism, where evil and low-quality packaging materials are dispelled from the home. When the two packaging experts arrive, they find Shikha speaking in different voices and claiming to be possessed by the ancient shipping demon Pack-zuzu. Can the packaging experts drive the malignant forces of stretch wrap from this suburban home, or is her soul out for delivery?

Variety raves: “It’s definitely a movie, with a beginning, middle, and an end. It even had characters.”

Starring Linda Blownhandwrap and Directed by William Filamenttapekin

Rated R for Resistant to Tearing

Tapes on a Plane

Ben Treeknocker was at the wrong place at the wrong time when he stumbled upon the mafia committing mail fraud. The FBI tried to fly him to safety, but the mafia had a surprise in store: a box full of hungry and vicious tapes hidden within the plane’s fuselage. At 20,000 feet, the tapes break loose and run amok. In just a matter of time, the pilots are stuck to each other, first class is buried under double-sided tapes, and the kraft tapes have trapped the flight attendants in the bathroom. Now, the remaining passengers must take control of the plane while trying to survive the flight. Will the plane make it to the airport? And how many of the passengers will remain unstuck? One thing’s for certain: they’ve had it with these mailer-sealing tapes on this Monday-to-Friday plane.

The Hollywood Reporter declares: “I should have spent time with my loved ones instead of watching this movie.”

Starring Samuèl L Packson and Directed by John Cartonsealer

Rated S for Sticky: Numerous Lengths, Widths, and Thicknesses

The Mailing

Jack Mailerfield and his family travel to the remote Clear View Hotel to spend the winter as the hotel’s caretakers. At first, everything seems normal, but pretty soon the family starts…seeing things. Two torn-up glamour mailers stand in the middle of the hall and ask the son Danny to mail them. A ballroom full of rigid photo mailers dance like it’s 1921. The door to the forbidden mailroom 237 seems to have opened on its own. The hotel is taking its toll on the family, but none more so than Jack, who begins to have mysterious conversations with Eddy the previous caretaker. Soon, Eddy asks Jack to do the unthinkable: he must appease the hotel by stuffing his wife and son into poly mailers. Is the hotel truly haunted with the lost souls of mailing envelopes past, or is Jack and his family slowly going mad? And will Jack’s family survive the winter, or are they doomed to a polyethylene fate? Just remember: “All wrap and no poly bag makes Jack buy packaging supplies”.

Entertainment Weekly writes: “I cannot speak to the quality of the movie, but I do know that it is properly marked for postage.”

Starring Pack Nicholson and Directed by Stanley Kraftbrick

Rated R for Recyclable: Durable & Lightweight