Jan/Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
On a cold winter’s day, a family of waste management elves discover a baby left on their doorstep. They take him in, raise him with a passion for cleaning, and give him a name: Jan/Santa Claus. Eventually, Jan/Santa grows up to be a man longing to make a life for himself. He parts ways with the elves and journeys the country, picking up friends like Latex Glove the penguin and the Paper Towel Warlock. Soon he stumbles upon the sleepy village of Trashtown, a rancid and unhygienic place run by the corrupt Sewagemeister Meistersewage, who’s determined to keep Trashtown as dirty as possible. In order to bring a sanitary Christmas to the people of the village, Jan/Santa must learn how to climb down chimneys, stuff stockings, and properly clean up after a spill. Can Jan/Santa Claus bring a clean and healthy Christmas to Trashtown?
Variety Fair reports: “The second act dragged a little for me, but I appreciate the commitment to sanitation.”
Starring Mickey HDPE Trashcanliners and Directed by Blankin and Sass
Rated G for Good for your health
It’s a Wonderful Packing List Envelope
The heavens hear a cry for help from the little town of Bag Tape Falls: George Mailey is about to ship a package with no packing list or invoice whatsoever. After George’s guardian angel Clearance learns of George’s life story, including managing the Mailey Brother Packaging and Loan, marrying his childhood sweetheart Mary Laundry Wrap, and his rivalry with the local tycoon Henry Poly Bag, Clearance immediately comes down to Earth to confront the man. In a moment of despair, George wishes he never had packaging supplies in the first place. This gives Clearance an idea and, with a wave of his hand, George is transported to a world where he has no packaging supplies. In this world, Henry Poly Bag has flooded the town with his low-quality packaging materials and Mary has been relegated to a sad and lonely life of putting packing lists inside the package instead of on the outside. Is it too late for George Mailey, or can he rediscover his love of packaging supplies?
The Corrugated Box Office raves: “Why didn’t the eagles from Lord of the Rings just write a better movie?
Starring James Strappingtape and Directed by Frank Capstylehardhat
Rated PG-13 for Packing lists are Guaranteed to be safe for well past 13 days of transportation and storage
Mailers on 34th Street
It’s the annual Tracy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and this year’s Santa Claus at the end of the parade is the best one yet. In fact, he’s so good that he’s been offered a seasonal position at Tracy’s as the store Santa. But this man is no ordinary store Santa: he can instantly tell the wide-eyed children of Manhattan what size poly mailer they need for their shipments. He even calls himself Kraft Kringle! Suddenly, families all across New York are securely sending their gifts in kraft mailers and bubble mailers like never before. All is well and good until Mr. Kringle informs Alec the company psychiatrist that he’ll need to use a box instead of a poly mailer in order to ship his large and fragile goods. Upset by this news, Alec seeks revenge by declaring Kraft Kringle legally insane. Assisted by the event director Amber P. Bags and her lawyer boyfriend Fred Labels, Kraft Kringle must go to court and prove that he is who he says he is. Can Kraft Kringle clear his name in time for Kraftmas, or will it be a Blue Kraftmas without him?
Entertainment Biweekly declares: “I think I walked into the wrong theater and, honestly, I’m too scared to say anything right now.”
Starring Hazmatalie Wood and Directed by Cecil B. DeMachinestretchwrap
Rated X for Xylophones could be shipped in a bubble mailer
